Kamui vs The Panda
by Uakari
Summary: Written for Clampkink Meme  though this is less "kink" and more "pure crack" .  Kamuui!Fuuma is sent to sexual harassment training...and proceeds to blame the Earth for all of his um...lingual proclivities.


**Title:** Kamui vs. The Panda  
**Rating:** PG-13ish  
**Warnings:** Crack, crack, and more crack.  
**Summary: **Watanuki is a sad panda. De-anon from Clamp-kink meme. _Prompt:_ "Kamui!Fuuma is sent to sexual harrassment training. Bonus points if it's lead by Sexual Harassment Panda"

**Notes:** Sexual Harassment Panda has been shamelessly stolen from South Park at the request of the OP. Also, I have no idea why Watanuki/Yuuko are in this dimension, they just _are_…

* * *

"Uh, right this way then – Mr. Monou, was it?" Watanuki said conversationally as he slid the door to his office open and ushered his guest inside.

"_Kamui_."

"Excuse me?" Watanuki shuffled his papers. He was certain he'd been assigned to counsel one Mr. Fuuma Monou about his recent on-the-job exploits involving one of the Dragons of Heaven…but then, it _was_ extremely stuffy in his work uniform (He was going to have to have a word with Yuuko about this later – it seemed her sake intake had increased ten-fold with the number of earthquakes occurring lately around the metro area and with that had come all sorts of new rules and regulations. The panda suit was really the last straw, though. This was a woefully angst-filled universe they were inserting themselves into, not some low-brow American cartoon, for fuck's sake…) and the eye-holes occasionally slipped and obscured his vision. He jostled the papers at eye-level. No, they definitely read "Fuuma Monou." "I'm supposed to be meeting with Mr. Monou right-"

"_Kamui_."

"Okay, then!" Watanuki sighed and shut the door behind them; he wasn't paid well enough to argue this any further, and there seemed to be something rather…_off_ about this client, anyway. He pulled out the chair opposite his desk for Mr. Mo- _Kamui_ and settled back into his own, pulling and tugging at the stubborn bits of faux fur that didn't _quite_ want to settle comfortably into the chair. "Now," he leafed through his stack of papers again, trying to establish an official air for the proceedings, "It seems that you have had quite a number of complaints filed against you recently, all by one Mr. Kamui Shirou. Are you familiar with these instances?"

_Kamui_ tilted his head in surprise. "Actually," he said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, "I thought I had been doing a pretty admirable job."

"Ah, yes, the whole 'Destroying the world' thing," Watanuki nodded, "Yes, there's really been no question that your over-all job performance has been superb; these complaints have all involved sexual harassment of some nature."

_Kamui_ cocked an eyebrow. "Of some nature?"

"Yes," Watanuki adjusted the heavy mask to relieve some of the ache in his shoulders, "It says here that on one occasion you impaled Mr. Shirou against a rock slab and groped him in a less-than-professional manner."

"Was it less-than-professional?"

"It also says here that you ground your knee into his groin rather insistently and _licked_ him. The licking is mentioned repeatedly, actually."

"Well, yes, that would have been to taste his blood," _Kamui_ shifted restlessly in his seat, "Look, I don't see what the problem is here."

Watanuki's eyes widened, ever-so-slightly - not that anyone was able to see it behind the panda mask. "Y-you can't just go around licking people!" he stammered.

_Kamui_ still looked confused. "Why not? I seem to recall that right after that I went and stabbed some chick that I had crucified…and then blew up large parts of Tokyo. Licking seems rather inconsequential after all of that, so why the focus?"

"Because!" Watanuki squeaked indignantly, "Blowing up large parts of Tokyo because the Earth wishes for it is part of your job description! Sexual harassment of the Dragons of Heaven is emphatically _not_."

"It's only one."

"What?"

"Just the one. And who said the Earth didn't want it?"

Watanuki stared. "You're saying the Earth wants you to molest your childhood friend."

_Kamui_ nodded. "_Of course it does_. Look, you don't see me having a lot of motivation of my _own_ here, do you? I'm just a vehicle. If the Earth wants me to pin down that succulent little piece of man meat and run my tongue over every sweaty ridge and crevice of his tightly wound body, you can bet your ass I'm going to do it."

"Right…" Watanuki droned and rolled his eyes, "And the fact that you were incredibly…_touchy_ with him before all this happened has nothing to do with that either, I suppose?"

"No," _Kamui_ insisted, "This urge to tie him down, rip his clothes, and caress his thighs wile horribly mangling other parts of his anatomy is purely the directive of the Earth. I can't help it if I look good while doing it."

"_It doesn't matter that you look go-_" Watanuki cut himself off and considered banging his head against the desk. _Good lord this guy was stubborn!_ In fact, he reminded him an awful lot of one other tall, dark and stubborn mule he knew… He shook his head – _this wasn't the time for that!_ "Look," he started again, "_There have been complaints!_ If you're not willing to take steps to correct your behavior, then we are going to have to impose certain restrictions!"

_Kamui_ shrugged. "I already told you. This isn't _my_ wish – it's the Earth's. And, let's face it, you and your employer might wish for it to stop – and I might be somewhat inclined to grant that wish – but if it were _that_ easy to override the will of the Earth, this would be a pretty short and boring magna, wouldn't it? So why don't you just impose whatever 'measures' you want and you can get back on with your life (or what's left of it) and I can get back to peeling Kamui's blood-stained clothes away and licking hot trails of angst up his spine."

Watanuki groaned inwardly and reached for the package Yuuko had left for this eventuality. "Here," he muttered as he shoved it across the desk.

_Kamui_ took the package and stripped the brown paper away. He started back at Watanuki quizzically.

"Just put it on," Watanuki instructed.

_Kamui_ did as he was asked, pulling the impressively complicated coat on over his street clothes and latching the many buckles and snaps. "What's this for?"

"To keep you…_contained_," Watanuki sputtered, "In case you get any _more_ ideas for torturing the Dragons of Heaven Kamui. By the time you get the last buckle undone, headquarters can have someone on the scene to restrain you."

"That's no fun," _Kamui_ murmured even as he spun about to make hem flare dramatically, "Still," he mused, "This isn't bad…"

Watanuki buried his still-masked face in his furry-gloved hands. "That's all, Mr. M- _Kamui_. You should go."

_Kaumi_ stared expectantly.

"What?" Watanuki demanded after a long moment had passed in awkward silence.

"Your boss," _Kamui_ answered, "She wishes for you to say something further."

Watanuki groaned. Damn that witch anyway…they weren't even supposed to _be_ in this dimension! He lifted his head slowly. "And please remember…" he trailed off, cursing himself, this costume, his employer, this horribly stubborn man taking up space in his office and refusing to leave…

"Yes?"

"…sad panda."

"What?"

"I said _'When a Dragon of Earth engages in unwanted BDSM with a Dragon of Heaven – it makes me a sad panda! ARE YOU HAPPY?_"

_Kamui_ chuckled and slid the door open. "That was all I wanted to hear…"


End file.
